positive – Bubble

Trial by Fire

I don’t know how to describe this. It feels like I’m blowing a puff of air from my mouth onto my dusty old diary. We surely must have lost the definition of time, as I only realized I was here on this page looking at words floating around, more than a year ago. I do not believe in drafts, and as usual even this post is raw, as is, from my mind, my fingers moving involuntarily across the keyboard. It’s funny how this turned, maybe I believed in drafts because I believed in perfection. I often visited the store close to my place when I was a kid to buy my art supplies, the owner was a very kind man who used to encourage my experiments with art. He often asked me to bring him some of my work, but all I used to talk about was how it wasn’t in the final stage and needed to be reworked on regarding final details. What he told me stuck with me through the years; If you keep looking at your work over and over, you will find more number of imperfections. Since then I haven’t looked back. Maybe it isn’t so bad to live with the tiny imperfections that exist in life.

This is also going to be different from the other stuff you find on here; because of me trying to stay as positive as possible. Almost every post on here is about me trying my best to pick out the positives from all kinds of situations in life, and trying to channel my thoughts into trying to explain my perspective which could aid you in looking at similar obstacles if you face any. This is just going to be a heart to heart, actual description of circumstances; maybe even a futile attempt at a diary entry because I don’t think the idea of an annual diary entry exists or probably isn’t the most popular idea. This doesn’t even explain the entire year, just series of calamities that made me feel like my life was moving slower than it usually was.

July 2021

It’s not everyday you wake up and decide to completely leave your bad experiences and memories behind to try something that left you only with grief the last time you tried it. If you’re someone who knows me closely, or someone who happened to read my earlier posts, you will be aware that I lost my dog when she was over year old to kidney failure. Since then I’ve moved into a new home at a very nice, quiet and serene environment. My mother and I loved animals, so we felt like we were ready to adopt another puppy. It’s the last week of June 2021, and I tell my friend that we were looking for a puppy, for which he tells me that he knows someone who has a 1 month old puppy and they were looking at a new home for him. I was excited. Probably beyond excited because I found myself ordering stuff online for the puppy, from his food bowl to his shampoo. I felt like how I did in 2017 when I got my first puppy Zoey.

I’m driving with my friend and my mom, with the puppy restlessly jumping around in the car because he wasn’t used to being in a car. When I first picked him up he licked my fingers, and I just knew that he was meant to come to me. I wasn’t that sure when he was screaming inside the car on the way back home though. We bring him and everyone’s delighted to have him. When I first picked him and looked at his innocent eyes and cute little nose, all I could think was how I’d finally get myself to be responsible for him. If I had any regrets with Zoey, it’s that there were moments I should’ve cherished; something like taking her for her walks or probably just playing with her, but I lazed away from because I was too tired from college or just occupied with something that required minimum physical and mental effort. I am built that way; if the day is full of work that requires my attention or any kind of physical effort, I try to dedicate a little bit of time to help myself ‘zone out’ a little. From recent events, I can fully confirm that not giving that period of time to myself can completely drive me insane, and put my physical and mental health at peril.

If you’re someone who never had a pet, or a human baby at home. I can assure you that having a newborn baby at home is exactly the same as that of having a pet. From medications, to giving your pet attention; sometimes you really need to believe that any form of newborn life act identical. I can confidently claim I was fully committed this time, I used to take care of all the puppy’s needs by myself with help from my mother. It was a difficult yet fruitful first three days. We could barely sleep at night because he hated to be left alone at nights, and sometimes really needed to go out and take care of his needs.

Day 4 started off differently. I woke up to a puddle of fluid, and I couldn’t really figure out what it was. I had my doubts that the puppy was sick, but he seemed to be fine walking and playing around. It wasn’t until I tried to feed him that I realized that there was indeed something really wrong with him, because he was refusing to eat. We took him straight away to the local vet, who told us that it had to do something with indigestion so we needed to be careful about what we fed him from there on. We brought him back home, fed him electrolytes using a dropper to make sure he wasn’t dehydrated. There still seemed to be signs that his problem wasn’t sorted, as it continued to bother him at night and forced him into starving himself. The next day I took him to the vet again who reassured me that we just need to let him have his time to recover, because he must’ve eaten something he shouldn’t have as dogs usually do. We took him home again. The next day, I happened to see him struggling, being lethargic and passing blood. I lost my faith in the local vet and rushed to the government veterinary hospital close to my home. I do not intend to blame anyone after what happened has happened, but what happened there really contributed to me being a little more insensitive about human beings in general. When we stepped into the hospital (2:50 pm IST), we saw a woman rushing out and we told her that the puppy needed immediate medical attention as he was really sick. The woman told me that government hospitals only functioned till 3:00 PM and that we were late. In the next few moments she had completely disappeared from the hospital premises. We were left completely disheartened because we knew the puppy needed urgent care, but the next closest hospital was at least a few hours away. I also never really considered the problem to be a serious one, so we consoled ourselves and went home.

We turned up at the hospital really early the next day, and was astonished to see that the woman who walked away earlier was the doctor in charge. She looked at the puppy and concluded that the puppy had a parvo virus attack, which is a very fatal condition for dogs. Ironically, they told me that puppies escape these types of situation if the problems are diagnosed at the earliest. They gave him medication, asked us to bring him again the next day. We took him home, gave him his electrolytes, kept him in his favorite box, where I’d set up a mini bed for him. There were moments when he was playful, peeping out of the box. I was relieved and I went back to work. I left my room because I needed to get a cup of coffee, and I looked into the box to make sure how he was doing. It took me a second to realize that he wasn’t in his usual deep slumber. His body was cold, stiff and frozen. There are a lot of good memories with him that I do have, but trying to remember only leaves me feeling absolutely empty. But the moment when I had to close his eyes with my hands is stuck with me forever. I did not cry. I took him, all his things, his toy and his food. We buried a grave for him, lowered down his body along with his favorite toy. We burnt the rest of his things. I was told that Parvo remains in the environment, so I did not want other dogs to suffer what my Leo did. I stood there for what felt like hours, looking at the flame go out slowly, dying into embers. I did promise to be committed to the end, and here I was looking at the flames go out. My grandmother was left distraught at because of what happened to the puppy; and at the same time she was weeping because she had just learned from her sister that her brother was hospitalized after he collapsed earlier the same day. For some reason I found it rather disturbing because her weeping for her brother somehow made me irritated because I was trying to pull my mind together after I just lost my puppy. She told me that the dog can be replaced but not her brother. I was left enraged and I told her that it is simply not fair to judge the value of a life depending on if it’s an animal or a human being. I think I have learnt a lot since I made that statement. If you make it to the last line of this post, you will know exactly about the feeling of what I am describing about.

August 2021

I am extremely grateful to God, for being blessed with a wonderful family, cousins and friends. I was able to recover from the feeling of emptiness, earlier than I believed I would. I wanted to stay away from that house, so I was back in my town, out with my friends having lunch at a fancy restaurant. It’s only been two days since I left home, I was out there with my friends trying to help myself heal. I was taking pictures of my friends having fun when I received a message from my mother. I opened it to a rather perplexing and cryptic message which read ” Grandmother serious”.

What makes someone feel worse about something is perhaps not having proper knowledge of the situation, maybe more than the situation in itself. I was tensed, I tried calling my mother several times only for her to not respond to any of my calls. I was however keen to not panic, as thankfully my logic prevailed at the time to help myself acknowledge the fact that my grandmother was old and it is normal for her to experience occasional health issues, and also that my mother really counted on me to offer her support during such a time. Later when I called her, I tried to make her stop crying over the phone and also assured her that I will be there for her. To think that I was on a getaway to escape from the tragic loss of my pet to be only returning back to where I was running away from to learn that my grandmother was suffering in the hospital really got into me. I cannot really explain how I felt, sometimes I just wanted to sleep and not wake up the next day because things only seemed to be getting worse by the day.

I am again grateful that I have wonderful family. When I was away, and my sister and dad were away for work as well, my mother’s cousin stepped in to offer his complete support in every way possible. It was only when I came in and forced him to go home, he stepped away from the hospital. It was a horrible few days at the hospital. Everything was vague because no one could really figure out what was happening and the medical observations were rather blurry and not really positively convincing. My dad stepped in for me the next night; I came back home to get some of my stuff to go back into the hospital again. The next morning we learn that my grandmother has passed. Again, I do not know why I did not cry, at least maybe not immediately. I think I did a good job convincing myself that I will not appear weak to any eyes, at least for the sake of my mother, who was a single child and an only daughter. Everyone who knew my grandmother always told me that she always wanted a baby boy too, but were really not in a financial condition to afford a quality life for another child. It was a very strong decision, because it is admirable that she put the quality of her daughter’s and family’s life over her own desires. That is what she was, a strong willed, independent woman, who loved us more than anything in this world. Like everyone even she had her flaws. She had a way of speaking that could easily provoke anyone, she also had a way to make sure that she got what she wanted done even at the cost of other’s sacrifices, and they were poorly left acknowledged at the business end as well. We knew what kind of a person she was, but she will always be remembered for the good memories we shared.

I volunteered to stay in the back side of the ambulance along with the body. I closed the windows, I felt sweat dripping into my mask and me finding it extremely difficult to breathe. I think there was a second I wanted to be completely wiped out of existence, and I cried silently but, the hardest way I have ever done. I held her hands on the entire way. I always helped her walk when she found it difficult to, it only felt right that I held her hands into her final destination. When we approached the house, I opened the window to catch a glance of my mother, who stood there silently, with the feeling of shock presiding that of grief. I closed the window in a hurry, and I swept away my tears. I really believed that if my grandmother really needed anything from me, it’s that I take good care of my mother and never let her feel a moment of loneliness. I intended to and always will stay true to that. We are mutually aware that we will only have each other at the worst of times. A difficult few days followed. While we were slowly coping up with the situation, our physical and mental health deteriorated. My mother constantly fell sick and I think I brought myself into a point where the state of how my mother reacted to the circumstance was starting to affect me. I was admitted into a hospital with issues that later proved to be mild, but I was left with constant paranoia and confusion.

I took her ashes to the place I was born, and performed rituals at that blessed, holy site. I returned to my town after that with my mother. I made sure I was with her when we visited the doctor, and that she was soon back to her normal self. Here we are, over a month later. We have physically recovered, but when I’m back at this house, sitting on the chair typing this, I know that my grandmother will forever be missed. There will always be a void left unfilled, but something we must learn to live with.

A very trivial and a hypothetical question that we find asking ourselves, might sound extremely insensitive some but one of absolute logic to others:

If I had a chance to bring one of them back to life, who would it be.

My heart definitely screamed to bring my grandmother back. Now it might seem like I am contradicting my own ideals of treating all lives equally. While I truly do believe this, I think I couldn’t be more wrong in only simply stating it; I think every individual value the life of that which has influenced the life of its own the most, over the others.

We do not know when is the last time we talk to someone, help them in any tiny way possible or maybe even smile at them. It is inevitable that if something happens to any life after we separated with a negative instance, we will forever live to regret that moment. Maybe they only way one can surely overcome this uncertainty in life is to treat all lives with as well as we can, whenever we can. I have made lapses in judgement, regarding many decisions, concerning many lives. We cannot carry the regrets forever, to our end. It is only fair that we try to mend our ways moving forward. I do not know when I will be back here, letting my thoughts run wild and free. But until then.

Keep growing.

image by jannoon28. By freepik.com

Unlocking Doors.

It was finally time. The hour has finally come. I stood outside my apartment, placed my fingers slowly on the doorbell switch, watching as my mom opened the door with a smile like she always does. I took a glance at the stack of shoes near the door. The stickers on the door reverberating hospitality. I called this place home for 10 years. Now my journey has left me at crossroads. This time I had there was no shortcuts or cheat codes to find a way to cling on to my sanctuary spot. In 6 months I will be moving to new lands, looking for opportunities of study to pursue my higher education. I had no choice but to move on. I never believed in being overly attached to inanimate objects, even though I’d argue the case for my phone and computer, I would never really have thought that I would indeed, miss my apartment so much. Every time I stepped out of the doorway and locked the door, my subconscious was keeping a subtle count of how many times I get to repeat the action until I leave the place for good. Suddenly I was flying, as a wild familiar storm of Deja vu blew me off my toes.

Drowsy, maybe it was a boring class. I slowly opened my eyes, with an unpleasant aftertaste of anxiety. Maybe the feeling of separation however did not contain itself within my living premises. The grimness lurked it’s way into my personal and college life. Like every other student would agree, the people and the experiences pulled me towards the college, like a moth towards a candle flame. We were in our final year of study, counting days left for each of us where we can meet, share and have fun together. Many of us chose to follow their path towards a successful career, which meant that many of them would be leaving many of the others behind as they slowly learn to make the transition to work life. A few rare cases of friends ending up in the same workplace proved as exceptions, as the others dreaded the moment when they will have to face the reality of letting their best friends with whom they have spent the best parts of 4 years spent on and off university grounds. This transition apparently presenting itself to be a stumbling block in the smooth road of relationship for couples and friendship in best friends.

Maybe I was a little fortunate in that aspect. I managed to hold onto my love and my boys, at least until the end of the academic year. But it was never going to be easy watching your friends go, and even worse; watch the ones you love suffer from letting go of people close to them. It was like classic cinema; what started off as drama and romance had spiraled into mystery; Everyone quite anxious and filled with speculation of what is to become of their future. It was overwhelming, I was falling deep into that endless pit; and I opened my eyes, finding myself staring at an uninteresting roof.

My phone rung so loud that it deafened me for a second. Rather strange, to receive a call this late. I looked at the time, and then at the date. I smiled as I knew what came next is going to stay in my head for a long time to come. The next moment, I was lying on the bed eyes wide open, trying to find that glorious moment that would put me into a deep peaceful sleep; something that has evaded me since the thought of moving out was planted in my head. I looked around me and I saw three absolutely crazy, weird misfits around me, sleep deprived, tired, all passed out with tiny stains of my birthday cake near their mouths. These guys welcomed me to this place when I was just a boy, just 10 years of age. From somewhere between fighting for our favorite seats in school buses and long spicy conversations about our love lives we managed to enjoy each other’s company; and also put up with each other’s anomalies.

My head hit the window and I woke up with a start. I could see my buddy complaining onto my face about how I fell asleep in the bus when I was actually supposed to be sharing some of my interesting stories with him. Him reminding that I had only six months left to do all these did not help my anxiety. I had to remind him often that I would be in fact moving onto higher levels of education and not afterlife. Even though we had to endure long hours of travel to commute between our homes and college, it presented us with the gift of time to share and engage. The conversations kept the trip alive and joyful, at least when I was not dozing off next to a very curious person sitting next to me disgruntled at my choice of nap times. I’m a late night person, so it was only natural that a second later I found the same window pane I had just crashed onto; to be a soft quilt for me to fall asleep on.

I felt a soft hand around my face. Slowly tapping my nose, in a cute way to wake up. I moved my head around a bit, enjoying the comfort and warmth I felt resting on those legs. I opened my eyes and I knew I was looking at my favorite person in the whole wide world. I was treated to a menacing smile, something that was in equilibrium with ‘that felt good’ and ‘we’re late for class!’. Sometimes I enjoyed being a bit of a rebel, as I reasoned with her to let me get comfortable for some more time. But I was dealing with a rather responsible person here. Soon I was dragging myself to a class I absolutely did not like attending; A necessary evil in this case maybe. Maybe physically present, but again little did I know I’d be drifting into another world which had nothing much to do with computers and e-commerce.

The alarm was screaming into my ears. I felt like I’d just been dizzy punched by a bear. I wish I could just go back to sleep. My eyes looked tired, my mind weakened with fatigue. But it was another day. A new window for new experiences. Another chance to do something new with the people I love spending time with. Another day of the six months. I thought going back into the trance of sleep where I could relive my moments made me happy, at least until I realized that looking forward to a new day, to meet everyone again was actually what was driving me forward.

Images by freepik.com

The Divine Reversal.

We are gifted with the ability to dream. Dreams are the product of our thoughts hidden deep inside, within the crypts of our subconsciousness. When we dream, there could be a moment when we know we are in control, when we feel we have the absolute power to twist the story that is unfolding in front of us, when we are in a state of realization. We try to bend the situation as we like, so that we can eventually get what we yearned in the first place. We love to play God. Through dreams and thoughts we wish we had the power to mold reality, to have control over time; As the need to play God is driven by the need for change. May it be the past or the future.

We have all experienced the sudden jolts of memories of things we regret doing, which comes rushing to our minds like how the thunder lights up the whole sky for an instant, accompanied by the loud roar of regret which sinks in moments later. Oh how we wish we could go back in time and change it. Sometimes what we regret is not what we could have done, but what could be if we had tried to stop ourselves from doing it. We hurt others through actions and words, mostly without asking ourselves how it would provide us with redemption from whatever that caused it. Sometimes we hurt with the intention to. A type of forced empathy in one way; we believe the person needs to feel the pain as you do, so that they realize the magnitude of their actions. After all, anger is a derived emotion, it is born from pain.

Now, before you start to believe that things cannot be changed because they were meant to happen; that’s when the thoughts of what you could have done, or what you could have done differently that will infest your head like a poltergeist. From what we deem as small things, like offering help to someone in need; to what we infer as empathy when we show the willingness to sacrifice our own comforts to make someone else’s life better. We all have memories to look back in life, when we wish we could have shown the power to initiate; as initiation requires the strongest will. Before you actually help someone, you must find it in your heart to evaluate the purpose of helping the one in need.

Unfortunately, time travel is not real. Even if all the movies and books we read tell us otherwise. We all have regrets. Regrets are hardwired into human thinking. Other species of predators, when they chase their prey and fail, they move on to the next one. There is no room for regrets, because ego seems to hardly be a problem when compared to hunger and sustenance. We often let our decisions be adulterated by feelings.

So since there is no time machine. Can you really escape this labyrinth of regrets from overwhelming you, not letting you sleep or let you deviate your mind into happier, more pleasant thoughts?. We might need to consider the fact that it is not in fact the situation, but the thought regarding it that bothers us more. So how do we silence the loud echoes of regrets?

We often use the word karma in context. But do we really embrace the true meaning of the word? Not really. As simple as it is, all we need to know about it is ‘What we do is what we get’. As we often use the phrase ‘settling the score’. Maybe even God himself has a way of settling the score. Every action that we involve in, we are judged, we are evaluated. It’s not without reason ‘life is a test’ came into fruition.

Passing this test means that we make peace with the good and bad that we have participated in throughout our life. We must learn to embrace the regrets we have in life, at the same time we must do all the good that we believe is possible for us, and could make a small or a significant change in someone’s life. I have always claimed that helping others could make me a very kind and helpful person in the third person’s eyes but as someone who respects and embraces the idea of karma, helping others is in fact a rather selfish act. For all the things we do, what we do when we believe no one is looking, what we do when we want to hurt, when we are hurt ourselves and is blinded by the feeling of anger and pain; We need to assure ourselves that we are not bad, in fact not as bad as our actions suggest at times. Hence a helpful act we believe neutralizes the bad we have committed with or without our knowledge, because the willingness to live and move forward comes from you telling yourself that as a person you have improved, when compared to yesterday.

We are humans. We make mistakes. We do things which could negatively affect another being or negatively influence a situation. We do not yet have a escape route in the form of time travel. But it is time for vindication. Small actions of care and empathy, sacrifice your seat for someone older struggling to find balance, get a cup of warm water for your friend who is sick. And most importantly, do not underestimate the value of a true smile. It is yet another human tendency to expect something in return for whatever they do. We have become computers when we expect an output for every inputs we give. We expect a reward, may it be material or ‘exclusive feelings’. If a warm smile is the output you receive for your small act of kindness and care, keep it close to your heart and choose to remember it whenever you feel the need for it.

Let’s live better so that we keep the scores even.

Pictures by freepik.com

A Friend in Clear Water.

Every day, every moment in our life, even if we are not absolutely conscious, we do things around us in our own unique way. From how we wake up in bed with our unique sleep position, to how we begin our day. How we eat, how we multi-task. How we smile and how we laugh. As per popular beliefs there could be about seven people in the world who look just like you do. But is it possible that they even possess all of your unique mannerisms. It surely cannot be. Nobody else can smile like you do at your friend’s wild efforts to amuse you. Nobody can look like a completely different sick person when you forget your make-up or when you shave your beard away like you do.

So we all have the magic power to change how we look,as the way others see it. But the qualities within you may not be perceived in the same generic context like how your physical appearance is understood by the others.

The best analogy I can come up with right now is that of candy. Oh how we love candy. We go to the bakers and we see different colored candy in sturdy, clear glass jars. All the different colors, each color more appealing to someone or the other. You go and pick the brightest of the lot! “I want the red one please!”. And there you go. Bright cherry red candy in your hands waiting to be consumed. Carrying all the excitement which is rapidly translating into action, you gobble up the candy in expectation of it awarding your taste buds with the same bliss it provided your eyes with. Alas! too sugary!.You decide to try the lemon green one next and now it’s too sour!. Finally for a moment you decide to let go of your visual perceptions and decide to try out the pale purple one. Blueberries! maybe you did love blueberries all along, but the flavor surely appealed to you far better than the others did.

So how do you decide which candy tastes the best by looking at how appealing they are? there’s absolutely no way to tell. Unless you try to get a taste of them each, all by yourself. So much can be said for candy, but do we not judge a person to be cruel, dangerous, unpleasant or even deemed ‘unlucky’ just by looking at them? Did we ever consider spending a chunk of our own precious time, to even try to get to know every one of them. Most of us haven’t. Sometimes even I haven’t. We are too busy cooking up the assumptions in our head that it has taken over our mind which should have worked out a way to get know the person better.

So we make an attempt to understand people. But I believe we are all guilty of rushing into conclusions about people. So again to understand how this works (I love analogies, bear with me please.), maybe we should consider a situation where we felt like we could finish a task, but the devil in the form of impatience has arrived to spoil the party. I used to be very much immersed in art when I was a young boy. I loved to paint pictures, but I preferred sketching over painting. So there were moments when I used to make sketches which I was rather proud of, only to be ruined later, because of my own doing of course. Sometimes I was told that the sketches look rather empty without an element of color in it. I used to worry far too much about how others accept my ‘art’, and I decided to paint it. Now painting, as any person who has held a paintbrush would agree, is a task requiring the utmost attention and the virtue of patience. The second I lost my patience I used to watch my hours of hard work being eaten away by blotches of dull colored paint.

So all that, actually to convey that sometimes, understanding a person can be like painting a picture. It requires patience, and attention. Maybe you always felt like you should paint the sky blue, the sky green and the mountains brown. But have you ever paused for a minute to wonder how different the things would have looked if you wanted to describe the same landscape at a different hour of the day; when the sky is blood red illuminated through clear skies by the setting sun, sea a shade of violet and the silhouettes of the mountain now more dominant than the shade itself. The colors are the qualities that we see in the person. The more we wait, the more time we spend with the person, the better we see the rainbow of personality in the individual.

Everything considered but like technology makes us friends with a single click on the internet, people do make assumptions and identify a person with a quality they find comfortable to relate with. Definitely not at all times are you linked with a quality that you would prefer to be, but that is how it is. You could be smart person who analyses situations before making decisions, someone who reads and has a wide span of knowledge in different areas. Someone who enjoys music, loves to play games and is kind and sensitive. But people are surely going to rush into a title. If you seem to be more physically attractive than the others near you, you’re the supermodel; if you’re a straight A student, you’re the bookworm. I personally don’t believe if everyone tries to figure out if the supermodel loves to read, or if the bookworm has a keen sense of fashion. It doesn’t seem really practical to try to understand every single person around us, but those we believe are close to us, we must try to invest our time in.

There is no absolute guarantee that people identify themselves with the quality others identify them the most with. Sometimes, for people like myself who rather worry a lot about what others think of me, this could be a demoralizing situation. For a person who loves to read,write,draw, play the guitar, is very sensitive I was always described as the computer geek, because ironic enough, I’d been patient with the machines as with people and was able to understand it better than the others.

For these people like myself, I believe we must be able to move on from the ‘clay‘ mentality. We must not force ourselves to change our ways just to suit the mold crafted by the opinions of others. Maybe we can all turn to the serenity of clear water. Clear water the epitome of peace; undisturbed and unhindered by the background noise. Clear water is the depiction of self reflection. We worry too much about how we are perceived by others lest we forget how we perceive ourselves. Self reflection is the core to personality development. If we gave more of a thought to what we think about ourselves and what we believe must change within ourselves so that we can grow to be someone better, we can embrace the fact that all of us are given titles in the society, by the rest of it’s members. This cannot be misunderstood as the judgement call to rubbish away all kinds of opinions given by others. The opinions could be pebbles thrown at the water surface. What we need we let it sink, we take it in. We accept it, because we believe we felt the need for change during self reflection. What we believe has no value that can contribute to our betterment; like the pebble we let it bounce away from the surface.

To restore peace within us, to master the art of acceptance, we channel our thoughts into self reflection than that of overthinking;

Because you are only the person you believe yourself to be.

I dedicate this to very special friend of mine who taught me a lot of things in life. If you ever encounter the demons of self doubt, you must know that these words are here to welcome you, and provide a sanctuary for your thoughts.

art by JCOMP. Freepik.com

Falling.

We use the phrase falling in love. Not often do we say ‘being in love’. We say – you fell in love, “I think I’ve fallen in love with her”. I’ve been left wondering how that particular expression came into existence. Falling is a term we use to describe a negative situation. The prices of my shares fell in the stock market. I fell from the tree. ouch.

Well maybe I experienced a bit of falling myself. And I realized that the phrase falling in love deserved a definition of my own; for I believe, we fall only to rise up stronger. So it’s falling in love; because unless you magnificently succeed in your first impression to the person who you want to impress, you fail and learn what you did wrong, and how it could be done better the next time.

So let’s say you failed to create an impression. And you left the person wondering if you were even close to the person they would want to be with. They have two options left in front of them. Either they tell it your face which is difficult for them, but will eventually make it easier for you; or the easier option for them is to just let it slide, and ignore your existence; because indeed they do not want to hurt your feelings. You see that’s the worst kind, the one which goes close to smothering the person being denied of affection and attention. The best thing you can do if you want to convey to someone who likes you that you don’t like them in the same way would be to just say it straight away. Yes of course it might hurt them. But the temporary pain of the sting is definitely better than the slow poison of hope that you make them consume each time they feel that you might give them another chance. Every time you look at them, even accidentally, they feel like you earn their attention. Every time you speak to them they believe you don’t want to let them go. And popping up every now and then to remind them of your existence and at the same time let your action scream out the fact that you do not care enough about them to love them back, these people deserve the darkest depths of hell.

Yes it’s not Utopia. Not everybody fits with everyone else like a jigsaw. There are differences. Sometimes enough differences so that you can weigh the good against the bad and you believe you can compromise and not dwell on the bad because the good is worth fighting for. Sometimes the differences may be too much, Conflict of principles. Difference in thinking. Sometimes it’s difficult to overlook all of it. To be fair it’s not falling in love with the wrong person that will gift you disappointment, it’s the falsities you believed would materialize with the person you fell in love with that kills you.

We all love to dream. Dreams are often born out of boredom and overthinking. People believe that dreams are thoughts and desires of the dreamer buried deep within his conscience. We dream when we are not engaged with anything else. We dream when we sleep. We dream when we are sitting on the bank of a river. We dream when we are forced to attend a boring class. They say an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. While there is nothing satanic about being in love, the ideas we bring up surely would fall in line with that. Imagining yourself in situations that could possibly never exist. One second you look at the person, the next moment you find yourself trying to pick names for children you both will have in the future, leaving Bill Gates and Elon Musk envying your vision. Surely it’s more difficult to engineer an entire life with a person than sending a car into space? I’d say so.

So she said no. Big deal. It’s not the end. There could only possibly be three outcomes for this situations. Either you go into a reflection mode, where you look at whatever you did and everything you said in retrospective, only to conclude that you have indeed not been good enough for her to accept who you are. Acceptance is what we all yearn. Humans are social, no sane man would be capable of leading solo life detached from all kinds of life, and acceptance is a core feature hardwired into the system of society. If it’s not self-reflection, you become vengeful. While the former is a likely agent of self induction of pain, a slow train to the gloomy station of depression. Being vengeful is something absolutely different. You start believing that the person was wrong to say no to you and you would do anything to prove to them that you were not worth losing. For a person who’s not cynical, would rather benefit from this approach. The vengeful nature can fuel the desire to do things better, to try more, to explore more and risk more to obtain a productive change that could make the person stronger. But the thought behind the third approach which is neutrality, questions everything else. Is it really worth crying over someone who is not able to see the good within you? Is it worth making an effort to change who you are just because one person didn’t like you for what you are? The neutral approach pushes the impulsive responses off the ledge, as it offers a better sense of practicality. So she said no. Does it matter? I don’t care there’s always someone else who will appreciate me better.

It’s actually a battle between dwelling on and moving on. Being depressed or being vengeful, it’s like a treadmill in the gym. You seem to be walking, running away from the problem, but you are actually stuck at the same point. If you want to really get away from it, step out of the treadmill, do not change your approach change your cause. This is just like the example of apples the psychiatrists like to use. There’s one green apple you’d love to eat more than the red apples which are equally good placed in the same basket. But unfortunately, the green apple goes bad because of some reason. Now the question is would you be willing to throw the green apple away and save the red apples from going bad as well; or would you rather choose to be obsessed with the green apple and try to save it some way while ignoring the other apples, which could eventually go bad. We have people around us who care about us who do put in a lot of effort to make our lives better, in return they ask only for our love and care. It would be unfair to them if we ignored their efforts just so that we can hang onto something which was never worth our time anyway.

So what does this conclude? Is it wrong to fall in love? Absolutely not. It’s important that we experience the feeling of love, and also build up the courage to admit it. But is it important to have our priorities sorted. Totally. We all have a duty to fulfill, we have the ticket to our purpose. Maybe it’s not worth sacrificing the ticket to a journey of experiences filled with anxiety and curiosity in copious amounts, for a small moment of denial.

Image : Love space – Scott Brian Woods

Life Is A Road

Indeed. Life is how you live it? Roads are how you build it. Life gives you options? Cross roads give you choices. Living on the edge sometimes, picking up the pace accelerating, endless asphalt covered to end up where you belong. Life is an adventure. So is the road.

Open your eyes to the rising sun
Let the rays of sunshine illuminate what is to come
Schedules and chores what you pick and what you drop
Going on until the red light asks you to stop

We begin every day hoping that it will present us with something new, something different and hopefully something better than yesterday. It’s like someone said “We all make plans for the next day, because we all believe we will wake up to see the next day“. But do we take life for granted? Do we forget our mother’s smile when she waves us goodbye to school, yet find time to dwell on why someone didn’t like you back?. Our lives have become seas of negativity, we wash away the positive messages of love and hope carved on the sand, and we take back what has been dumped onto us, the misery of failure and misfortune. We carry away the toxicity and we bring it to other happier shores, doping the bliss with unhappiness. Is it worth it?After all the sea leaves behind the dust, as it slowly turns into vapor and rises towards the moving clouds into the clear blue sky.

forests, rivers, seas and valley
deserts and wastelands we must be wary
The scenes and sights, whatever it holds
does not obstruct the paths of the roads

So you just assumed everybody is going to be good to you? Because let me guess, you were one of those who believed that what you give is what you get. Although that line might’ve been fairly overused and look fancy on holy book covers, real life experiences tell a very different story. If I could rewrite any of those instances, I would change “What you give is what you get” to “What you give is what you are.” Because in the end people are people, good to them, bad to them, you can’t really change people for who they are. If you can convince yourself that you are the best version of what you can be, it could be reap happiness within you.

Life is a bed of roses, the good and bad locking horns
If you crave the fragrance you must also face the thorns
Can the monsoon rains fill you with joy and wonder
If you run away from lightening, can you handle the thunder?

As bad as it is, would life be really the same if you were only awarded with positive situations and there was absolutely nothing to worry or make you cry?. Have you ever tried playing a really hard game and then you finally after days,months or years of effort finally manage to finish it? The satisfaction you gain is unbelievable. But consider a totally different scenario. The same game, but you are allowed to cheat your way into the final level of the game. The game you would’ve taken you potentially years to complete, completed in a day. Yes you did get a taste of success. But at what cost? There might be cheat codes to success contrary to the popular belief “There are no shortcuts to success“, but there is no loophole to live the experience and learn the lessons it teaches you along the way to your success.

Few passengers whose company you yearned for on the roads
lose their roles as the story unfolds
Yet we ponder from our paths, to pursue the lost
ones who followed sacrificed, the detour came at a cost

We’ve already been through this. Like they say, “People become a habit“. How many of us can confidently say “Yes, I have maintained contact and a good relationship with all the friends I’ve made throughout my life!“. I don’t think there could be anyone who could achieve this ,what seems to be an impossible ground to conquer. It’s only natural. Some you hold onto, some you let go. The demons of natural selection are not abstinent from our social lives. Nobody is perfectly, or even perfectly good for you, but you choose the best of the lot. I am guilty of neglecting my strong friendships, the ones I have taken for granted when I busy trying to build a new one. It’s only when you lose what you have you realize it’s value. Yes, I do not disagree with all popular beliefs. Come on.

varying speeds, different ways, some silent some noisy
let them not define who you need to be
crossroads encounters, the crowded one may not be the right path
After all it isn’t your nature, but your choices that sets you apart

Yeah so you are a little more wider than your neighbor who’s staring at you like he wants to kill you because you’re hogging the whole seat on the bus. And the seat was meant for three and there’s two people. But still the other guy seems to be struggling to take a breath (Indeed, I’m the guy staring). Is it wrong to be different? Totally not. But is it important to realize you’re different? absolutely. Difference does not equate to weakness. I think lions are more afraid of Rhinos than giraffes. Differences are what makes you what you are. All books have pages. But it’s what you write in the pages that makes the difference right?. I would like to believe that quote was original.

Efforts and determination, working your way up the hill
To earn the much awaited feeling of success and thrill
they fear the untraveled path,lest from safety they may sway
yet the fruits of experience reaped, as the fearless explore anyway

Sun sets in the east, earth goes around the sun, but every step you take every day. It’s different from yesterday. Imagine if we repeated the same series of events in our lives every day, with no change in time or order. Change is the rule of life. Like someone said (I don’t remember his name I’m sorry okay?) The Cemetery is the only place devoid of change. Constant is only for the non-living. So experiment with life!

Every one travels the road, chasing self satisfaction waiting in queues
the journey goes on until the sun goes down, at every toll paying our dues
Some go on until their wheels wear out, some journeys cut short as comes the call
we all return home someday, believing we left an impression be it big or small

So there it is. The road you have to build, You maintain, and you travel. Choose the right path, and sometimes feel free to try out that unpopular road! after all what good is a road trip without a few bumps and sharp turns eh?

Travel photo created by jcomp – www.freepik.com